Parenting adult children can sometimes feel just as challenging as raising them when they were little, especially when communication issues persist. Recently, I began wondering if some of the behaviors my adult son exhibits could be linked to Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD), a condition I’d only just started learning about.
My Journey to Understanding ODD
My son has always been intelligent, driven, and capable. He’s an aerospace engineer who excels in his field, but at home, our interactions are strained. It feels like he contradicts almost everything I say, cutting me off mid-sentence no matter the topic. He often assumes the worst in my words, and while I’m sure he doesn’t intend to hurt me, these exchanges leave us both frustrated.
Reflecting on his childhood, I see a loving and positive environment—but he doesn’t remember it that way. He harbors resentment, believing his younger sister received preferential treatment. To be fair, there were moments where we gave her a bit more leeway, but his level of bitterness over this is extreme and persists to this day.
Interestingly, his younger sister was recently evaluated and diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) of mild severity. My son, on the other hand, was diagnosed with ADD in college. Both are exceptionally intelligent—my daughter is on the verge of graduating with dual bachelor’s degrees in Biology and Business, and my son’s career trajectory speaks volumes. Still, communication challenges run deep for both of them. They share a habit of interrupting and assuming negative intent behind even the most neutral statements.
Could My Son Have ODD?
As I learn more about ODD, some aspects resonate with my son’s behavior. ODD is characterized by a pattern of defiant, angry, or vindictive actions that disrupt daily life. While this diagnosis is typically associated with children and adolescents, I can’t help but wonder if remnants of it linger into adulthood, especially for someone already diagnosed with ADD.
Symptoms of ODD often include:
- Frequent temper loss or angry outbursts.
- Persistent refusal to follow rules or requests.
- A tendency to deliberately annoy or provoke others.
- Blaming others for mistakes or misbehavior.
- Being touchy, easily annoyed, or resentful.
Some of these traits align with what I’ve observed, though they could also stem from his ADD or the unresolved family dynamics from his childhood.
Steps I’m Taking to Improve Our Relationship
Whether or not my son’s behavior meets the criteria for ODD, I’m learning that addressing the underlying communication issues is key. Here are some strategies I’m exploring:
Staying Calm and Focused
When conversations get heated, I’m practicing staying calm and avoiding reactive responses. It’s not easy, but I’ve noticed that when I maintain composure, our discussions are less likely to spiral.
Validating His Feelings
Rather than defending myself or countering his complaints, I’m trying to acknowledge his feelings. For example, when he brings up perceived favoritism, I might say, “I understand why you feel that way, and I’m sorry if it hurt you.” This doesn’t erase the past, but it opens the door for healing.
Setting Boundaries for Conversations
Interruptions are a major source of frustration for me. I’ve started gently reminding both my son and daughter to let me finish speaking before responding. Respecting boundaries can help us communicate more effectively.
Seeking Professional Insight
I’m considering family therapy to address unresolved issues and improve our interactions. A professional could help us navigate these dynamics with tools tailored to our unique needs.
Reflecting on My Own Actions
Parenting is a two-way street, and I’m reflecting on how my actions may have contributed to his perceptions. Understanding his point of view helps me approach our conversations with greater empathy.
A Message to Other Parents
If you’re navigating similar challenges, know that you’re not alone. Whether or not ODD applies to your child, focusing on understanding, patience, and mutual respect can strengthen your relationship. Progress may be slow, but every step toward better communication is a victory.
For me, this journey is about more than labels. It’s about learning how to connect with my son in a way that fosters love and understanding, no matter how bumpy the road has been. We all have the capacity to grow—both as parents and as children.
-Liz, Certified Neurodevelopment Specialist
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